Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Concentrate on work, work, work this month! Unless you're unemployed, in which case concentrate on all the free money you're getting at the expense of everyone else.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Form a fanatical religious cult. Insist that your followers eat only raw sugar, straight from the box. Declare war on those who use Equal and Sugar Twin.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - If you go into a restaurant with a little bowl of matchbooks near the cash register this month, pour a bucket of water on them and shout, "This is a major fire hazard!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Buy a gross of potholders. Mail some to everyone you know, saying, "Thought you might need a few extra potholders."

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Loiter in fabric stores all month, making a nuisance of yourself. Pick out garish color combinations and remark loudly about how beautiful they are. Mix up patterns.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Spend this month literally comparing apples and oranges, just to prove it can be done. But give oranges a slight bias, since they smell better.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Ask your boss this month if she'll feed you grapes by hand. She'll appreciate such a creative morale-builder.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Be wary in potential investments. A penny here, a penny there -- before you know it, you've lost two cents! Shoot!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - You should take some financial risks today, such as buying an armful of Michael Jackson CD's. Remember, however, that often risks do not pay off.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Restful energies are high this month, so see how long you can stay in bed. In fact, why are you reading this? You're supposed to be in bed! Get back to sleep!

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Slap your knee from time to time this month. If anyone looks concerned, say, "I can't get this damn knee to behave."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Investigate how much Kleenex it would take to stop a moving truck. Get a friend to help.