Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Happiness is a warm summer day ... and a fifth of vodka.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Call up an airline and yell in your best lounge lizard voice, "Fly me to the moon, baby!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Walk around this month insisting that Coke and Pepsi are really the same beverage. Watch in glee as everyone gets really riled up at this remark.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Let sleeping dogs lie, unless they're dead. Then you should try to sell them to a Korean restaurant.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Buy a Polaroid camera and take pictures of gravel. Mail them to your worst enemy in an unmarked envelope. Paranoia will ensue!

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Energies are high in the mornings, so do all your productive work then. Then in the afternoons, sit around scarfing Pringles.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Be cautious in financial matters. Those vegetable slicers they sell on TV, for instance, aren't really that great. Don't ask me how I know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - Invent a new musical instrument out of kitchen appliances. Call it the Blenderphone. Try to find someone who will give you lessons on it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Pretend that you're Jack Nicholson all month. Walk around making wry comments with a half-smile.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Two words: sweat stains.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - It's Movie Theater Usher Appreciation Month! Go to your local movie theater and hug all the ushers, thanking them for tearing up your ticket stubs and directing you to the proper theater. They deserve it!

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - A wonderful month for some deep thinking. If you can't find the energy, then just wear unwashed socks and do some deep stinking.