Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Glue yourself to CNN all month. Refuse to change the channel. If anyone asks about your behavior, say, "These home shopping networks are more fun than I thought!"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - A fun prank: grab the neighbor's dog and shave it bald. Then spray paint it silver. Keep commenting to your neighbor about how shiny the dog's coat is.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Call up an airline and ask if they give out "Frequent Spier" discounts. Explain that you're a bit of a voyeur. Offer proof.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And large hairy spiders, of course. I mean, they're just so creepy!
Libra (September 23 - October 22) - This month you'll dream of eating a giant marshmallow and when you wake up, your pillow will be gone. The next night you'll dream of eating your pillow and when you wake up, a treasured family pet will be gone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Loiter around the library all month. Continually ask where the "secret" books are kept. Accuse librarians: "I know you're hiding them somewhere!"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - You will inherit a large sum of money this month. Either that, or a safe will fall on your head. It's really tough to say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than both of them. And it tastes better on waffles.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Go through your closets this month, ridding yourself of any old golf shirts you might have with the Izod logo on them. It's never too late to lose the preppie lifestyle.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Call up an airline and yell in your best lounge lizard voice, "Fly me to the moon, baby!"
Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Creative energies are high in the morning, so take the time to carve a replica of the Exxon Valdez out of Ivory soap. Float it in the tub, surrounded by 10W-40 motor oil.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Do not Cook Lobster this month. I mean, ew, the scent left in the pot is just nasty.