Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Whine this month that "Sesame Street" has been taken off the air. When someone tells you it's still on, respond, "Oh. I guess I just haven't watched it in a while."

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Spend a moment this month writing down every Hall & Oates song that you can remember. Then wonder why laws were never passed to stop them.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Go outside any institution you don't like -- a car dealer, a restaurant, whatever. Pass out baggies full of lard, loudly proclaiming that it's "Complimentary Lard Day." Evade arrest.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Join a high-school shop class this month. Brag about how you're not going to use any tools, you're just going to gnaw the wood into shape.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Don't put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, use a carton to store your eggs, like everyone else. Hello! What are you, Amish?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - You will inherit a large sum of money this month. And acting as your astrological agent, I will get 10% off the top.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Feel good about your government this month. Write a letter to your Congressperson saying, "Thanks for being you!"

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - A great month to resign from your job. Claim that you're pursuing your lifelong dream of becoming a superhero.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - A great month to get an unusual body part pierced, like the love handles on the side of your tummy. Call it your "Special K Pierce."

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Energy is flowing well this month. To celebrate, eat a hot dog. Later, eat the neighbor's dog.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Start a new project this month, then quit in frustration five minutes later because it's not going as well as you hoped.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - A good month to learn flying. So let's climb atop those garages and get jumping! It's easy -- just imitate birds!