Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Find some kids and lecture them about how no game could ever compare to the original "Breakout." Refuse to be swayed.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Why not rent a futuristic, sci-fi thriller starring Christopher Lambert this month? Because he never gets any good roles, that's why! Shoot! Rent a good drama instead!

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Whenever you go somewhere this month, don't walk. Shimmy.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Shake your head frantically over your fellow employees at work this month. Explain that you're seeing if the new and improved Head and Shoulders is really new and improved.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - A great month to go to the beach, finding children's sand castles you don't like and putting up little "CONDEMNED" signs on them. Then back your car over their prized creations.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Energy is flowing well this month. To celebrate, eat a hot dog. Later, eat the neighbor's dog.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Your romantic outlook is bright this month, or at least somewhat luminous. All right, dim. Okay, barely visible.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Phone 911 this month, complaining of a nasty paper cut. Explain, "It is an emergency, to me!" Repeat until the police arrive.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Be prepared for some changes in your routine this month. For instance, the company cafeteria may be serving lasagna when you expected rigatoni. Don't quit your job over this.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Call your mate "turkey" all month.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Find a restaurant that serves "mile-high apple pie." Complain that it's not anywhere near a mile high. Sue the pants off those crooks.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Drive up to an enemy's house in the middle of the night. Prune her shrubbery into naughty words. Flee.