Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - As mars and venus align this month, a light will shine heavily on the Earth.... so make sure you're not caught burying the body.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - The group of girl scouts you order thin mints from will forget to put in your order for Krispy Kremes...oh wait that's a doughnut. Oh well, dont-go-nuts-bout-ut

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Take the time to stop cleaning! Your house will never be as clean and pristine as your nostrils!

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - On the tenth, your significant other will be caught cheating...with the dog. Pay him back by doing the cat!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - When your boss asks you if you think he should give you or your co-worker a raise, tell him "not me." The reasons will become clear to you when you find out your co-worker is my friend and she's driving me around town in a mercedes.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - If you forget to lock your door this month, don't fret....I won't send the "movers."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Beware!! I see danger everywhere in your path. Have a nice day. =)

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - It's okay to inhale. After all, Clinton did...oh wait...

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Insider Trading=Equal Opportunity Information

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This month, don't worry about friends talking about you behind your back. I mean why worry this month when they do it all the time?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will meet your Mr.. Right. Yes, that goes for you straight guys too.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.....it's just gross.