by Temujin

Now for those of you not afflicted by this terrible disease, the Eurovision Song Contest is held in the country that last won it, which means it hasn't been in the UK since 1512. Last Saturday's was the 51st competition, and was pretty similar to every show except for one big factor that I'll come to later.

There are 38 countries or so that take part, only 24 get through to the final, and yet some of them aren't in Europe. Both Turkey and Russia have only a small part (relatively) of their land in Europe, but both enter, as do Israel and, even more bizarrely, Armenia. Typically the songs range from non-annoying to a crime against music. They're usually pop/dance, composed by children with learning difficulties and performed (typically in English) by over-exuberant idiots.

Our entry (UK) was awful. It had schoolgirls in it (sounds promising) but managed to make a load of schoolgirls crap. They wore far too much, the song was 'rapped' by a wanker called Daz (in his 30s) about "Teenage Life" which essentially told kids to ignore their parents. Shit music and, as an added bonus, a socially damaging message. Good work Daz, I hope your colon is irrigated with sulphuric acid.

So, why watch? This year had 2 reasons, but the perennial one is Terry Wogan, who commentates for the UK. He's an Irishman, and has a fantastic sense of dry wit and sometimes is outright offensive (which the 'amazing' presenters deserved). The presenters, as ever, were a pair of pretty linguists who should definitely be seen and not heard. Imagine the crapness of europop combined with the over-the-top American loudness and you're about halfway to how annoying they are.

So, what's the other reason to watch? Finland. Never been higher than sixth before now. They actually put in a proper entry, Lordi, with Hard Rock Hallelujah which is a good song, and amazing considering it's in Eurovision. Both Finns and Greeks tried to ban it for being 'satanic' (they always wear a lot of makeup and interesting outfits and aren't exactly clean cut).

They've changed their look slightly since this picture, but it's pretty similar. "Amazingly”, they not only won it for Finland's first ever time but they won with a record number of points. Hopefully we'll all learn from this and start putting in proper acts right after we execute Daz for being a twat.