Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Two words: carpet burns.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Why not rent a foreign movie? Because no one speaks English and they've got weird camera angles, that's why! Shoot! Get a Quentin Tarantino film instead!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Go throuh your closets, ridding yourself of any old golf shirts you might have with the Izod logo on them. It's never too late to lose the preppie lifestyle.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Take some time to make a new friend. Use force if necessary. Visit the Relationships Board for Advice.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Walk around with a dictionary on your head. If anyone questions you, look down on them and snort, "I'm improving my posture for an appointment with the queen next week." Just do not tell them your name is Temujin.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - Take a relaxing bath in chicken noodle soup. If you can't find that much chicken noodle, you may substitute chicken and stars soup.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Try to engage someone in a debate on the Movie Board about how Spider-Man can pick anything up when his hands are so freaking sticky.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Call up the Guinness Book of World Records and tell them you're going to eat a dozen cars. When they send someone out, explain that "car" is your code word for "carbohydrates." Post results on the Health Board.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Write a story on Literature Board of "Zany Baby Names." Include ideas like Wanna-Wanna, Zimbo, Hangnail, and That Kid.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Fluctuating planetary energies in the earlier part of the month may ruin your FM radio reception. Hey man, blame it on the stars.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - A kind word or deed will make someone's day. Unfortunately, that someone will be two counties over, and the whole thing will take place without you ever being involved.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Heed this warning: you can never have too many baking sheets. Ask ReturnFormer!!