by Larry

You want to come to little ol' Holland? OK. After a day of looking at windmills while wearing wooden shoes and eating cheese, you might want to check out the nightlife. Why not begin by getting high?

Coffee shops in the Netherlands serve coffee, sodas, and snacks. They also sell marijuana. Within these establishments, you will find insightful people from all over the world. They will open your eyes and mind to the truths of the world that nothing besides the heightened perceptual skills that a stoned immigrant teenager can appreciate. For example, Free Masons, Jews, Walt Disney (who is NOT DEAD, by the way), the US military, and Halliburton are all involved in an intricate plot (which was conceived 300 years ago, apparently) to take over the world. Ostensibly, their definition of world-domination is limited to selling us all stuffed animals, fast food, and DVDs.

After getting high and learning how the world really works, you might feel compelled to go pay a woman for sex. The Red Light District offers the greatest diversity of livestock in this regard. For a mere 80 Euros, you can stick whatever you want into a woman who is, believe-it-or-not, less attractive than Rosie O' Donnell, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Sinterklaas combined. However, the most astute among the stoned, sexually-amorous Netherlands tourists might find cheaper prices by looking for an AIDS-infected sex slave from Eastern Europe who can not legally work in a registered establishment. These women are difficult to track down if your senses (especially smell) are not keen, but you CAN haggle them down to a pack of cigarettes (four euros) for a night of appallingly disgusting sex.

After doing something that you'll likely regret for the rest of your life, you might feel up for a little dancing! Luckily, from midnight until 6AM, discotheeks (discos) offer repetitive music that includes shrieks, thumps, short clips from popular 80s songs, and technologically-savvy electronic sounds to their clientele, which includes drunk, horny European boys who pay too much attention to their appearance and girls who just wanna have fu-hun!

In these establishments, dancing consists of (1) finding space among the guys who are there to stand still, nod their heads, and look cool, (2) moving your feet in rhythm with the thumps, (3) singing the lyrics or moving your head along with the lyrics, (4) flailing your limbs wildly (but slowly) with the electronic sounds (and flailing them UP when the shrieks kick in), and, if you can manage, (5) not spilling your beer while doing so.

Goed geluk en veel plezier in de mooi stad Amsterdam, mensen!