Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Refer to your boss by the whimsical name of "Big Dork." S/he'll find it cute, I bet.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) -Go into an adult bookstore and spend eight hours loitering around the sex lotions. Continually mutter, "I just can't decide which one Mom would like."

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - You will run into someone who you think is John Tesh but who is really only Kenny G. Disappointed you'll say, "I knew it was one of you horrible white musicians."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Oh, the stars are telling me wonderful things about you! What a wonderful time this is going to be! Let me ... oh, hang on. Sorry. I thought it was the stars, but it was just the TV turned up too high.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Wear a lampshade on your head all the time. Tell people you're training to be the life of the party.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Now is a good time to think about this Asian pearl of wisdom: "Too many horses make the saddle worn." Heavy, man, heavy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - Everywhere you go, radiate happiness and light. Unless you're in a bad mood, in which case you can radiate crappiness and spite.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Pessimism will get you nowhere. Come to think of it, neither will optimism. A car, a bus, or a skateboard maybe, but it's hard to use a belief system for transportation.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Be practical in your decisions about money matters. Rather than wasting your money by paying off that Visa bill, for instance, why not blow it all on a shiny new pinball machine?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Why not amuse your boss by making an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower out of Scotch tape and paper clips? If s/he gets angry, simply state, "Fine. You try to introduce a little culture to some people, and see what happens."

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Walk up to a frozen yogurt counter and insist on calling it "Frogurt." Offer no explanation.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Why not catch a movie? Because they're overpriced and finance the Hollywood greed machine, that's why! Shoot! Go miniature golfing instead!