by Return Former

Welcome to another edition of On Crack. So, just what is it about this column that people find so appealing? Is it the witty sense of humor? The wackiness of talking to yourself?

*Pauses.*

Hello?

...

Anyone there?

...

Look, I just gave you a perfect que to come in and start debating some crazy stuff with me, and you missed it! I mean, how am I supposed to write this column if the voices inside my head wont talk to me?

Come on, I know you're there. We gotta do something to liven this up. Its just not interesting to read about me talking to myself.

HELLO??

...

Hey man, don't leave me hanging like this. Its just not right. We have a column to write. We're paid for this, you know. This is where our food comes from... If you don't help out with the writing, you ain't gettin your share of the profits.

Aw, who am I kidding? I must have pissed him off with that last column, saying he was the winterfresh guy. Maybe he really did leave. I just can't believe he would leave me hanging like this. After all the things we've been through together, the columns we've written, the chicks we've ogled, the rubbings we've given things... You would think he'd have the decency to appear in this one, too.

Wait a sec, did I just hear a snicker? Oh, wait, no, that was you. How can I have heard you though? You're not reading this yet. Or are you? Theres an interesting time paradox for you.

AHA! I found you! What are you doing hiding behind the couch when we're supposed to be writing this column? and for that matter, whats a couch doing in my head? how did it get here? It's not even grey!

Sorry, dude, but you bore me so I needed something to sleep on.

Well, of course I'm boring you! It's boring listening to one guy rave on about nothing. There has to be some dialogue, ie between two people - you and me, or its not interesting. Maybe if you'd pull your own weight around here you wouldn't be so bored. If you want something to sleep on, just use some brain tissue. At least that you cant hide behind...

Whatever, dude, I'm going back to sleep. Wake me if you got anything interesting to say...

Loser.

It's almost unsettling how easy it is for me to write this column...