Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - Two words: grated cheese.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Put first things first, unless the first thing is something you really don't want to do. Then sit around all month eating Cheez Doodles.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Try to catch an Andrew Lloyd Webber show. Afterwards, contemplate how plays without plots can be so successful.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Try to get booked on Jerry Springer, but point out that there's nothing wrong, exciting, or dysfunctional about you. Say that you just think it would be neat.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Glue yourself to CNN. Refuse to change the channel. If anyone asks about your behavior, say, "These home shopping networks are more fun than I thought!"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Take up the nose flute. Practice at odd hours of the night.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - You'll be experiencing some psychic turbulence, so please fasten your seatbelts and return your tray tables to their upright and locked position.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Stick up meaningless "wet paint" signs everywhere you go. Watch in glee as everyone gets way paranoid.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Pretend that you're Jack Nicholson. Walk around making wry comments with a half-smile."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Become a lover, not a fighter. Unless you're in a really bad mood, in which case the loving can wait 'til later.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Refer to all body partsas "honkers." Examples: "I've got such an ache in my honker." "Does my honker look swollen to you?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - You may notice a tendency to overspend. Particularly if you find a sale on Chia pets.