by Blood Roses

A few months ago, my sister was sexually assaulted. She called me in tears and I came over to see my beautiful, strong, confident sister absolutely broken. As she sobbed on my shoulder I felt a lot of things - angry, protective, sad - but one thing I didn't feel was surprised. I learned the lesson long ago that in this society, women's bodies are public property.

See, I've been sexually assaulted three times.

The first time I was sexually assaulted was at a public swimming pool when I was 18 years old. At the time I was a teeny tiny little thing - short, thin and small of frame - with a young looking face and disproportionately large breasts. A group of young boys - about 14 - came up and started leering at me. They asked how old I was, and when I answered 18 they didn't believe me. "More like a 14 year old with huge tits". I ignored them but they continued to talk in crude terms about my breasts. Then one of them decided he wanted to touch them. He did, and there was nothing I could do to stop him, because he was stronger than I was. I felt violated and completely helpless. And nobody made a move to stop him. Not the lifeguard, not the people around us, not his friends who were egging him on or my friends who were laughing. After all - boys will be boys, and I was wearing a bikini top, and what did I expect, really, walking around in public with those things. Lesson learned - my body is public property for men to leer at and touch as they please.

The second time I was sexually assaulted was several years later, while on vacation with my sister. We were at a very crowded nightclub. I went to get a drink, and found myself trapped in a crowd of people, unable to move. As I was trying to push my way through the throng of people, a man reached up under my skirt and put his fingers inside my panties, touching me. I jerked away, giving me a hurt and angry look, and he grinned at me. I have never felt so violated in all my life, but by this point, I had already internalized the message that I didn't really have the right to ownership of my body - to the point where it didn't even occur to me to complain to a bouncer. After all, I was wearing a short skirt and I did let myself get separated from my sister and what did I expect, really, going out to a nightclub? If I didn't want to be groped, I should have stayed home in my hotel like a good girl instead of going out with the intention of dancing and having fun.

The third time I was sexually assaulted was a few years ago, in an incident Cosmo would probably call "grey" sexual assault. I was once again at a nightclub with my sister, this time in my home city. We went to a more upscale place than where we normally went, which meant the drinks were less watered down. As a result, I got more inebriated than I normally would in a public place. Completely drunk, I ran into an acquaintance from University. I ran up and hugged him (as I do when I'm drunk). We started dancing. At some point during the dancing he started kissing me, and at another point he put his hand up my skirt and started fingering my vagina. I didn't stop him, but I wasn't participating either. I was just... letting him because I was too drunk to really understand what he was doing. At the end of the night he tried to take me home - luckily my sister watches out for me and would never have let me go home with someone when I was that drunk. But if she hadn't been... who knows what might have happened. The next morning when I recalled what happened I felt incredibly violated but despite knowing his name and personal information, it didn't occur to me to try to go to the police or even to confront him. After all, I had been drinking, and I didn't say no, and what did I expect, really, letting myself get so fucked up in public. For men to restrain themselves when they saw how out of it I was, for my active consent to matter? No, I should have known better at that point.

And those times... those were only the times I really felt violated. They don't include the "accidental" gropes in crowds, or the leering, or the catcalls, or the inappropriate remarks at work. They don't include the summer I worked construction and felt hundreds of eyes on me every time I entered the cafeteria, to the point where I wanted to stop going for food rather than be stared at anymore. They don't count any number of incidents that could probably be counted as sexual assault under Canadian law.

So no, I didn't feel at all surprised that some man thought he had the right to remove clothing from my sister and put his hands on her while she was asleep on her friend's couch. Why would I be? Over the past 27 years, it's become abundantly clear to me that in this society, women's bodies are considered public property.