by Blood Roses

I met J when I was 16 years old. He contacted me on the random chat feature on ICQ and we got to talking. It turned out we both suffered from severe depression, and we ended up staying up and talking about it long into the night. The next morning I got an email from him, apologizing. He told me he was not normally the type to put his problems on other people, and promised me it would never happen again. I assured him he could talk to me about his problems anytime he wanted, but despite the fact that we stayed up late talking every night, he never did.

Mostly, we talked about me. (J later told me that helping me with my problems helped him by giving him something to focus on other than his own). He listened to me when I needed to talk, advised me when I needed help, and cheered me up with his unrelenting silliness. Most of all, he made me feel special. J was the first person in my life who truly made me feel good about myself. There have been many others who have made me feel that way since, but J laid the foundation.

"Don't you understand? I have to get straight As, because if I'm nothing else, at least I can be smart."

"Oh Becky, you are so much more than just smart"

After a while, I started to suspect J was developing romantic feelings for me. I didn't share them. I wanted to - J was this sweet, smart, funny guy who treated me like a goddess and - unlike the boys at school - was actually interested in me. But I didn't feel anything for him, not that way. Still though, I imagined one day we would. I fantasized that I would fall in love with him, that we would get married and live happily ever after.

He is everything you want, he is everything you need

But he means nothing to you and you don't know why...

High school ended and I went to college. J didn't. My life changed drastically - I went on antidepressants which changed my life inalterably, I made friends who made me feel like I fit in for the first time ever, and I started dating, met a wonderful guy, and fell in love. Balancing the tremendous work load of the Engineering program with my newfound social life didn't leave me much time for online chatting, and J and I lost touch. I thought of him often, but didn't ever really make the effort to get in touch. I've never been good at that.

Between my third and final year of university, I had an opportunity to do an amazing R&D internship at an electronics company in another province. I jumped at the chance to do my dream job even though it meant moving halfway across the country. My relationship with my boyfriend, already frayed, ended shortly after that. I had no friends or family out in the new city, so I once again found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. I started making the effort to get back in touch with people I'd lost touch with. A friend from high school also living away from home was one - we got much closer that year and are now best friends. J was another.

We picked our friendship up like we had never lost touch. We stayed in touch through my last year of university. I found out J had had an epiphany about his life in the years we weren't really talking, resulting in his depression lifting. Now, I finally found myself with those romantic feelings. I once again suspected he shared them. I was afraid though. What if my friends and family didn't accept me dating someone I met online? What if there was no physical attraction? (I'd seen pictures of him and while he was not ugly, he wasn't really my type). What if things didn't work out? What if they did? This was the big one, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

In the end, I wimped out and started dating a classmate instead. Once I was with someone else, J confessed that he did in fact have feelings for me, but didn't want to act on them because he was afraid of ruining our friendship. It was kind of scary, having those feelings out in the open. It would affect our friendship, how could it not?

"Don't worry; we'll get through this somehow"

"You know, you're making it sound like we have cancer or something"

We got through it. When my relationship with the classmate I was dating turned out to be horrible (that could be a story of its own). It was J who convinced me I deserved better. I broke up with the boyfriend and started dating online. I met a wonderful man, fell in love, moved in with him, got engaged. I got busy, again, and J and I lost touch, again. I thought of him from time to time, but always worried that if I got back in touch with him, my romantic feelings would come to the surface and it would complicate what I had with my fiancé.

Fast forward three years, and I'm up in Fort McMurray on a short term work assignment. I have more time to spend online, and one night I ran into J on MSN. I told him my news and he told me his - he is engaged. The bottom fell out of my stomach. I realised I never really let go of the idea that J might be the one. At the same time, I am genuinely happy for him. He always told me he'd never find anyone, and I am delighted to be proved wrong. But.... but.

If this were a movie, this would be the point where I realise I'm in love with J, confess my feelings for him, and run off with him. But this is reality, and in reality I love my fiancé and am very happy with him. I wouldn't dream of throwing away our future to chase the ghost of an adolescent fantasy. I'm sure J feels the same way. I just wonder if he ever wonders about me.